Firearm
by sf
Summary: Or : How Sanzo got his Smith and Wesson.


"Even if you've made up your mind to leave..."

Voices. Two sets of footsteps echoing along the corridor. One solid and steady, one quick and light and full of impatience.

"The surrounding mountains are full of youkai. No matter how powerful you are, it will be dangerous to travel alone."

Silence, then. Just footfalls echoing on a wooden floor.

A creak of a door opening. Slow, stiff and unyielding. A door left untouched for years. 

"Take what you like. Consider it a parting gift."

--

sf works presents :

Firearm -- A gag fic on how Sanzo got his Smith and Wesson.   
Written : May 7, 2002  
Published : May 7, 2002

Status : Complete.  
Rating : G  
Warnings : None. Sanzo hasn't learnt how to swear yet.

Cast :   
Genjo Sanzo, thirteen years of age  
Random monk from the monastery  
Random people who shouldn't be there

Scene : The armory

[The armory of the temple that Sanzo grew up in. It's a small room, filled to the brim with weapons. You wonder what something like that is doing in a temple, and why on earth they didn't use it when the youkai attacked. Koumyou Sanzo might not have died. Genjo Sanzo might not have been traumatized as a kid and inherited his title at such a tender age. We might not have Gensomaden Saiyuki. Wait, that's a bad idea.]

__

Enter Sanzo and Monk

Sanzo : Are you saying that I'll need a weapon?

Monk : [shrugs] Kid, I know that you can trash everyone in the monastery. The youkai outside of the monastery, however, will be a little tougher.

Sanzo : Very well. What do you recommend?

Monk : Let's start with the conventional weapons first. How about a sword? *indicates a katana*

Sanzo : [picks up katana and rests the point on the floor. The hilt reaches his shoulder.] -_-;;

Monk : Well, take a swing.

[Sanzo attempts to unsheathe the katana. Finds that his arm isn't long enough to pull off the scabbard and looks around in askance.]

Monk : Let me help you with that. [Unsheathes said katana.]

[Sanzo swings the katana. The point leaves the floor, hovers unsteadily, and plunges into the floor again, carving a one inch furrow.] 

Sanzo : No, I don't think so.

Monk : Repairs for the parquet will be charged to your account. In the meantime... [takes katana, sheathes it and replaces it on a stand.] Let's try this. [Picks up a red staff with two golden orbs on either end.]

__

Enter Goku.

Goku : Hey! That's mine!

Sanzo : Since when, bakazaru?

Goku : I laid claim to it 500 years ago!

Monk : You're not supposed to be here, Goku.

Goku : Gah! I don't care! Sanzo is _not_ taking Nyoibou!

Sanzo : Why not?

Goku : You can't twirl it to save your life, let alone to pose for the camera.

Sanzo : [grabs the nearest weapon] SHI-NE!

Goku : Eeks! But whatever it is, Nyoibou's mine! Mine! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!

[Goku grabs Nyoibou and runs. Sanzo chases Goku around the room, beating him over the head with his newfound weapon. It is a paper fan.]

__

Exit Goku, in a hurry.

Monk : Well, Nyoibou is taken. We'll just have to find something else.

Sanzo : [brandishes paper fan]. This will suffice.

Monk : Alas, it's target specific. It only works on Goku. 

Sanzo : Huh?!

Monk : This is the Paper Fan of Doom. It is the only weapon that may harm Seiten Taisei Son Goku. Unfortunately, it doesn't work on anything else.

Sanzo : _;;

Monk : But you can keep it, anyway. It'll prove useful.

Sanzo : How do you know that?

Monk : I'm omniscient. At any rate, you'll still have to find another weapon.

Sanzo : I have the Maten Kyomen.

Monk : It doesn't kill things. It just stops them long enough for you to finish them off.

Sanzo : Well, then find me something!

Monk : I see that Sanzo-sama has learnt the art of ordering subordinates around already.

Sanzo : Urusai. 

Monk : Try this. [Holds up a double bladed scythe. One end is a crescent blade, attached to a long length of chain. The other end is a flat, fixed blade.] This is the shaku jou.

Sanzo : [Eyes it doubtfully]. Won't the chain get entangled?

Monk : No. The length of the chain is unlimited, and it never gets tangled up. It also has a self-winder that snaps the blade back after use. Something like a self-winding fishing rod.

Sanzo : Let's try it. [Takes the shaku jou and swings it experimentally. The blade snaps out, whistles past the monk's ear, and embeds itself in the wall.]

__

Enter Gojyo.

Gojyo : Now you've gotten it stuck.

Sanzo : [annoyed] Keep your nose out of this.

Gojyo : [grabs the shaku jou from Sanzo.] Let the expert demonstrate! 

[Gojyo swings it. The blade is yanked out of the wall, flips back and tangles itself in Gojyo's hair.] 

Gojyo : [weak grin.] Well, it worked.

Sanzo : Baka.

Censor : HEY! No swearing!

Sanzo : Kono k'sou--- mmfpphhh! Mmfpph...! 

Monk : Please ungag him. We need to get on with this.

Censor : But..

Monk : It's okay. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

Censor : Fine. But I'll hold you responsible if he starts swearing again! Jeez, kids these days.. [ungags Sanzo]

__

Exit Censor, in a hurry.

Sanzo : I'll kill him the next time I see him.

Gojyo : Now I see where you got that wonderful personality. You've been that way since you were a kid.

Sanzo : You ****! Huh? Automatic censorship?

Monk : I'm afraid we had to. For the sake of the kids, you know.

Sanzo : ...

Gojyo : [Holds up the shaku jou.] Well, I _like_ this. I think I'm going to keep it.

Sanzo : And you'll chop off your own head with it before the day is out.

Gojyo : Well, at least it's my head. ^_~ Ja ne!

__

Exit Gojyo.

Sanzo : Thank goodness. If I had to put up with him for any length of time..

Monk : Oh, but you'll have to. Eventually.

Sanzo : WHAT?!

Monk : [Clears throat.] Moving on. Since you don't appear to be adept at using short ranged weaponry, let's consider something long ranged. [Picks up a long bow.]

Sanzo : [Eyes it dubiously.] I don't think so.

Monk : Why not? If you let your hair grow and put on prosthetic pointy ears, you'd almost look like a certain elf who's been very popular in certain circles of late.

Sf : [annoyed]. He'd look *better*!

Sanzo : o_o;;

Monk : Please, not now..

Sf : [sighs]

Sanzo : [still staring at bow]. Look, what would I do with such an antiquated weapon?

Monk : Kill people, of course. 

Sanzo : You want me to pick a bow when I'm surrounded by high caliber rifles? 

Monk : Well, since you've expressed an interest... 

[He replaces the bow and walks over to a wall, where several guns have been hung from wall-mounted racks. Gestures to one.] 

Monk : This is Colt's M-16A2 Enhanced Rifle, using 5.56mm caliber rounds with a magazine capacity of 30 bullets. It can be fired on single-shot, semi or fully automatic mode, and has a cycle rate of 750-900rpm. Forward sight is adjustable, with a detachable rear sight/carry handle with A2 style adjustable for windage/elevation to 600 meters.

Sanzo : ...?

Monk : Nevermind. Pick it up.

Sanzo : Oof! 

[Sanzo staggers unsteadily as he picks up the rifle. He presses the trigger.]

Sanzo : [Flying back from the recoil.] AHHHHH!!

Monk : -_-;;

Sanzo : @_@

Monk : Maybe not. Something smaller. A sub-machine gun, perhaps. [Walks over to another shelf]. The MP5A3 by Heckler and Koch. Caliber - 9mm, capacity of 9mm, equipped with a folding stock. It comes with an optional 0-1-2 trigger group and a tactical forearm light, and employs a delayed blowback operated roller-locked bolt system.

Sanzo : Say that in English.

Monk : Just try it out.

[Sanzo picks up the MP5, sights and fires, destroying a wall.]

Sanzo : I'm out of bullets.

Monk : Ammunition's in the corner.

[Sanzo walks over, and picks up a clip. And stares. And stares some more.]

Sanzo : How the *bleep* do you reload this thing?

Monk : Frankly, I don't know either.

Sanzo : ...

Monk : ...

Both : ...

Sf : ARGH! Just get on with it!

Sanzo : Right. [Tosses the gun to one side and folds his arms.] Is there anything left?

Monk : Just this. A handgun, since you obviously can't use anything else.

Sanzo : [sarcastically] Gee, thanks for the compliment.

Monk : This is... the most powerful weapon in our arsenal. Based on a 0.38 Smith and Wesson Model 37 revolver, it has a variable capacity, with a minimum of 5 rounds and no maxima. It's specially designed to kill youkai, and, despite being a measly little thing, can kill with a single shot. Since it's overall length is 6 inches, it's ideal for concealed carry in spandex space. Although reloading is a pain in the ass, since you have to load each bullet manually, I'm sure that you'll get used to it.

Sanzo : [Sweatdrop]. Well, it's the last thing you have, it can't go wrong. 

[Sanzo instinctively cocks the hammer, chambering a round, and fires. A vase drops out of nowhere and he snipes it, creating bullet holes in the wall beyond.]

Monk : Incidentally, with its advanced targeting system, you'll never miss a shot. 

Sanzo : What else? [Admires the little trail of smoke that drifts away from the barrel.]

Monk : It also has an inbuilt radar and guidance system. In other words, no matter what happens to you, the gun will always remain, or return to your side.

Sanzo : Exactly what's going to happen to me that necessitates having something like that?

Monk : In volume 7, you will drop off a cliff. You will have time to switch the gun from your right hand to your left hand, shoot the youkai that pushed you off the cliff, and be rescued by Gojyo. During all of this, you will lose neither your gun nor your sandals.

Sanzo : What do my sandals have to do with it?!

Monk : That may not sound like much, I admit, but there are other things. For instance, you will get captured in countless fanfics. You will drop your gun, which will serve as a Clue for the rest of your group to find you. And they will always find it, come to some astonishing revelation about your whereabouts, and be able to find you. Just from looking at your gun.

Sanzo : What the *bleep*?

Monk : Youkai will capture you, the gun will get knocked out of your hand, but _someone_ will always pick it up and return it to you. It will last you at least 10 years of heavy usage without requiring servicing, the parts will never wear out, and it will never get jammed or otherwise fail when you need it. The gun does not require special care or cleaning, which is ideal, since you'll grow up to be a lazy ass.

Sanzo : -_-. Thanks a lot.

Monk : All for a price of $1,000. Since, as of a day ago, you were an acolyte and don't have a bank account or any money to put into one, you can give us a cash payment of $100 and pay the rest off in $50 installments, at an interest rate of 100% per month. Incidentally, you owe us about $10,000 in damages to the compound. [Points at bullet holes every where.]

Sanzo : _ Korosu..! [Fires.]

Monk : [Dodging bullets a-la Matrix style]. Alternatively, you can pay us when you receive your Three Aspects credit card.

Sanzo : ARGH! [Reloads and shoots some more]

Sf : And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Sanzo-sama got his famous Smith and Wesson. As you can tell, he took to it straight away.

Sanzo : Shut up, sf! Or I'll shoot you too!

Sf : And we'll make a hasty exit before any one (else) gets hurt. Goodbye, and goodnight. 

__

Exeunt. The curtain falls.

-End-

I wrote this at one shot on sunny Tuesday afternoon after being bitten by the inspiration bug. Events here are purely fictional and pure speculation. I do not own Saiyuki. I do not own Sanzo. I do not own the Smith and Wesson. 

But I own the fic. 

Muse : Oh, the madness...!  
Sf : *snickers*

Sources :  
Colt Manufacturing Co. - http://www.colt.com/  
Heckler and Koch - http://www.hecklerkoch-usa.com/  
Smith and Wesson - http://www.smith-wesson.com/


End file.
